Where Do You Go When There's No Where To Run

This world is not my home.

This life is not where I live. 

Oh sure, it's where my address is. It's where I bank, and shop and buy vitamins, but it is not where I LIVE. Except that it is. 

This Christian life is the constant struggle of living, actually living, in the TRUTH of this temporal world. This really is NOT where you and I live.

The devil would like for us to THINK we live here, and that the kingdom of God is some far off, distant place where Jesus sit's at the right hand of God and watches us to see how we live THIS life and decide if we get to live with Him in the next one. There just one small problem with this thought: What about Grace?  

Grace say's "You are not living here, in this world, you are just passing through. There is nothing to be done HERE that will prove you're worthy of THERE. Grace already made you a citizen of THERE-- and so THERE has become HERE!" 

Geoff and I have moved 13 times in 13 years of marriage. In fact if I had to choose a Bible story that most reflects my walk with Christ over the last 13 years, I would hands down choose the Israelites in the wilderness. Just wandering around, awaiting God's direction. Crying for manna, and stretching my achy legs, and complaining that there’s just never enough to eat around these parts.

God had a purpose in the wandering of his people. In the Old Testament we see over and over again God calling his people to leave their home and follow God into the unknown. Noah, Abraham, Lot, Isaac and Jacob... constant wanderers. The history of the Israelites captivity mirror the wandering of God’s holy people.

We are still wanderers.

I can’t even tell you how many times I have cried out to God “Please Lord! Just let us settle down somewhere!”

There is a danger to being settled down somewhere. Settled so often brings with it a complacency in where you are or have already been. Boredom sets in. Laziness sets in.

This is the place I have found myself, far too often. I desire God to do something NEW, but I’m only comfortable in my little box I’ve made for myself.

But what if I allow God to awaken in me the TRUTH that I am not at home here? What happens to my box if I awaken to realize that my only true home is the very heart of God, a heart that moves freely?

Let that sink in a moment.

My home is the heart of Christ.

My home never stops moving, and is always right where I am.

 ^“My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it”

John 17:25-26

If you even want to know where Jesus says you live—look no further than the Gospel of John. Over and over again, John retells us to WHOM we belong. We are HIS!

His sheep, his vine, we are his Father’s just as Jesus himself is His fathers. These promises do not come with conditions aside from one.

“For I gave them the words you gave me, and they accepted them.”

John 17:8

Rest in this today. No, RUN to this today. You are SAFE in the heart of God, there is more than enough for you there. The grace flows freely, brought to the table and delivered by Christ himself. Pull up a chair, eat your fill, and go out to the world and wander as Christ himself did- making known the greatness of Grace that is available for all who long for it.

“Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you^[e] known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them  and that I myself may be in them.”

John 17:25-26

With Love,

Erin

Driving Blind

I watched a movie once where a woman was driving a car blindfolded. Her fiancé was in the back seat directing her through busy traffic, needless to say the scene didn't end well. By the end of the scene the man and his bride were angry with each other and there was a wake of destruction behind them.

As I sit here reflecting on my life these days, I'm feeling like that woman driving blindfolded. My back seat driver is my own expectations of myself, and behind me I've left a wake of destructive behaviors and attitudes, disappointments, and anxiety.

How are you feeling this afternoon? Maybe you can relate with me. Maybe you're feeling like the busyness of this life, the expectations you have, or the expectations others have for you-- have blindfolded you. Are you having a hard time seeing the road?

This morning I spent some time thinking about the people in my life who have been vulnerable enough to share their struggles with me, and I thought about my own struggles. The theme of the struggles I've heard, along with the pounding of my own heart,  is that no matter how hard I try, I am not enough.

My best efforts, are clumsy and inept at best. My inner script is punctuated with those words of disappointment. It's no wonder that I struggle with anxiety and worry.

I know that I am not alone in this, in fact, I'd venture to say that this is not a Erin problem, or a feminine problem. No, this is a human problem. It doesn't discriminate against age, sex, religion, social status or anything else. We do not measure up.

Even Paul, who many Christians argue to be one of the most zealous Christians in Church history, knows this struggle.

Paul writes in Romans 7: 14-21 that even though he longs and strives to do what is good, he still does what he doesn't want to do. There is a inner war being waged in your soul. The war between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. How do I win the war?

In my life, I tend to spend a lot of time focusing on all I did wrong. I replay my failures and shortcomings, over and over again. I think of all the ways I should have done something, all the ways I have not lived up. All that seems to do is spin me into a place of desperate hopelessness.

But what if I stopped looking at myself and start looking at the God who has already won the war.

This week, I've been reading of weakness. Specifically, how as a Christian I can have hope. Regardless of all the ways I fail, my failures show me something greater then all the success in the world.....

 I am loved by the God who is great. That love is not dependent on my abilies to earn it, or keep it.

God is sovergn and His plan for humanity is not dependant on my ability to be anything other than me.

This is Grace.

This the Power of God in me.

This gives me the hope to keep going. It gives me the supernatural ability to choose to do what is good over whatever it is that I want for me.

This takes off the blindfold.

It gives me eyes to see the road ahead over all the voices in mind telling me otherwise.

Do you want to see the road? Do you wish you knew where you are headed? Start by looking into the Grace God has for you.

Grace to fail, fall and flounder.

Grace to stand up and keep going.




Erin

Seasoned With Salt

Photo credit: out of bounds salt water reef tanks
When I was about 13, I went swimming at a local salt water canal with a neighbor friend. We took turns diving off the floating dock into the salty cool water.

On my last dive, I wanted to go as deep as I could. I jetted into the water, as straight as I could and propelled deeper and deeper into the salty blue abyss.

My elation soon turned to panic as my lungs ached for air and I realized that I was indeed, deep. In my panic, I kicked my feet hard to flip my body back towards the surface of the water. In doing so, I cut my foot deeply on the barnacle and rock covered sea bed.

 I lifted my self up onto  the dock to survey the damage to my foot. I knew that in order to get back to the house, I would have to get back into the salty water...and I knew that it would hurt. Suddenly I understood the figure of speech of "rubbing salt in someones wound".

Salt hurts, but salt heals. 

As a mom to 4 very rambunctious and thrill seeking kiddos, I have often had to clean up an endless number of scrapes, skinned knees and various boo boo's. The worst part of healing is cleaning the wound, but if you don't clean it, then it will never heal. Instead it will fester and plague you.

Oh you may heal on the outside, leaving a small understated scar, but the infection is not far off. It's sitting dormant just under the surface.

This has been my experience and since you're human too- I'm guessing it's been yours too. Life is full of wounds, from minor to deep. You and I have been wounded.

God administers the salt. 

There comes a point in your life when you have to look at your position trapped on the dock, and choose to get back in the salty water.

I don't preach this from a perspective of someone who has lived an easy carefree life, I speak it as a wounded, battle scared, woman who chose to run away from God and hide my wounds.

Let me tell you the truth my dear friends, do not hide your wounds!

I had spent many years trying my best to be strong enough, brave enough, tough enough and spiritual enough to self medicate my personal wounds. All that effort was simply covering my spiritual leprosy with makeup.

 If you were far enough away from me, then I could pass the test. But come close enough and my wounds became clear. I needed healing.

 It started as a simple cry to God, "Lord, I know dealing with this is going to hurt, but it can't be more painful then living like this." Slowly, and somewhat painfully, God began to wash my hurt. I'm not going to lie, it hurt. It came with a cost.

It was worth the pain.

The process is never ending, as long as I live I will be in constant needing of a good healthy dose of healing. Not just because I am in need of healing from wounds inflicted upon me.

It's the wounds I cause to myself.

 It's my poor attitude, my faulty choices, my inadequate relationships skills. I am a broken person, I am not seasoned to perfection. And until the day I meet my savior, I am in constant need of salt.

Where are you lacking salt?

Where are you wounded?

Maybe you've carried your hurts around like a badge, telling the world how you've been wronged.

Maybe you've tried desperately to hid them all away where no one can see them.

Or maybe your walking around your life hurting others with your actions, words, and attitudes.

 Let's stop. 

Let's take our pain to the person who's willing, ready and able to heal our pain and set us free from our wounds. 

The Greatness of His Godliness

The Greatness Of His Godliness


I have been thinking about Jesus lately.
That doesn't seem to outrageous.
After all, I think about Jesus often.

This time I pondered Him.

 I wondered about Him. 

I once read a book written by a man who played Jesus in a movie called The Gospel According to Matthew. In the book, called in the footsteps of Christ, Bruce Marchiano writes about his experience preparing to play the role of Jesus. He began to look at humanity through Jesus' eyes.

 I did some more research and came across this video of Bruce Marchiano retelling some of his experiences on set as Jesus.

He spoke about the miracles Jesus did.
Jesus spent His life healing the sick.
His everyday moments were spent making the blind see and the deaf hear!
His daily to-do list included healing the leper and raising the dead!

Yet, I have found that I read these accounts in the Bible with little more then an acknowledgement that they did indeed occur.

Can we stop for a moment?

Can we linger here over this?

This is the God man, Jesus. 

The very same God who created the world, who commanded waters to rise out of dry land and who whispered the very existence of stars and moons...

 now wraps our human flesh around himself and lived on this earth!

 I want to stop rationalizing Christ.
I want to stop dismissing His God-ness and focusing only on His humanity.
He was indeed human, but He was first and foremost the same God of the old testament. The Same I AM who manifested in fire and smoke.

The same God who turns when the woman touches His hem of His coat and says "Who touched me? I know that power has gone out from me." (Luke 8:46)

That same power that parted the red sea for the Israelites, made the bleeding woman whole.

As I sit here and think about the reality of God coming to earth, coming to humanity, coming to walk among our brokenness and filth, I can't help but be moved.

The trinity has always been hard to understand. It's hard to wrap my mind around Jesus and the Holy Spirit as still being first and foremost God. In my limited brain it becomes easier to make God the Father, and Jesus a slightly less- more human God.

As I enter into holy week, I want to see Jesus for who He really is.
Jesus is not a pawn sent to earth for a task, in order to right the wages of humanities sin.
Jesus is God himself bending as close to earth as possible and leaning in close to tell us one thing.

 I love you. I love you so much that I'm sending myself to you.

 I love you so much that I myself am going to absorb all my own punishment, so that you can start again.

I'm taking your punishment on myself. 

On me, God.

When Jesus spread His arms on the cross, He was literally holding back the power of God.
The Bible calls Jesus the mediator, the one who comes between.

Jesus stood between me and God. 

The heavens darkened, and the very creation that Jesus himself breathed life into, shook in terror as it witnessed it's creator take on all of creations sin, failures and pain.

This week let's not focus of Jesus' humanity. Let us focus on Christ's complete God-ness.
God came, God lived, God healed and God went to the cross.

Jesus, didn't begrudgingly go to the cross.
He was never forced onto the road to Golgotha by the Father in heaven pulling the strings.
From the beginning of time God had one way to deal with sin, and that is with sacrifice.

The wages of sin is death. 

Someone's blood must be shed for there to be redemption of sins.
Like in Genesis, when God met Abram (before he was named Abraham) and made a covenant with him. God Himself passed between the convenantal offerings, thus making the covenant not dependent on Abraham.

So is it with our sin. 

God's decision that sin will be redeemed through the shedding of blood, is not dependent on us.

 It was finished at the cross, when God took His own punishment!

What greater love could there be? 

If you struggle to see Jesus as God, then know that you do not struggle alone.
Know that I am praying for you.
I pray that you will be challenged this week.
I pray that you won't be able to shake off Jesus this week.
May you would be forced to come face to face with the cross.
When you do, you will find the real Jesus.
The God-man who kneels down to earth to tell you one thing...

I love you. I love you so much.

Grace In The Midst of Heartache

GRACE IN THE MIDST OF HEARTACHE

There are those moments in life that impress in your heart and change who you are by their presence there.

One of those moments for me came at 16 years old, while visiting an orphanage in Romania.

 These children were all hungry for attention, but one child... One face in the crowd changed me forever.

 I wish I could tell you his name, I wish I could tell you something great about this boy. But there was nothing impressive about him.

His hair was cut short to keep the lice at bay.
His pants were a size too small and his shirt too big.

What stood out to me was his hunger.

Not a hunger for food, but for love.
An unspoken hunger to be called good enough, worthy, desired.
This boy was deaf, family less, and abandoned.
No other children played with him.

He sat alone. 

The Orphanage ‘Mothers’ told us that there was no hope for that boy.
Without the ability to communicate his future was clear.
 He would not be able to find work on the streets.
His statistical outcome was grim.
He would, in 8 short years, age out of the orphanage.
He would live on the streets begging for money.
He would fall into a life of crime and find himself jailed or killed.

He was 8 years old.

In Romania, boys in group homes age out at 16, he was half way to aging out of the system.
 In this boy, I saw the hopelessness of children without love.
That day I made it my personal mission to love that boy with all the love I could muster.

I think of him often.

I pray that the small seeds of love that boy had, in a lonely orphanage in Romania, meant something to him. Maybe that small mission of love somehow could change the path his life was on.

Just maybe, he saw the love of Jesus though me.

The day I met him, I went to bed sobbing. I would never see him again.
The odds and statistics tell me that his life may very well be over before I even pen these words.
That encounter happened over 14 years ago.

That experience opened my eyes to evil and injustice.
The normal experience of the abandoned children of the world.
It opened my eyes to the realization that, in this life...

 I drew the long end of the stick.

 In fact, it put a face to the millions of children whose lives have dealt them the short end of that stick.
 It caused me to start to question.
What happens as these children grow out of the system?
Historically speaking, taking care of the orphans was the job of the church.
In more recent times the church has taken a step back and the government has taken the lead.

Why?

My husband and I have always planned on fostering or adopting at some point.
 In the recent years, as we've asked questions and began relationships with parents who foster.
The question we've asked is:

 How do you handle the heartache?

And there seems to be heartache every step of the way.
How do you handle the heartache of taking in a child who has been so neglected and battered by the very parents who are now fighting to get them back?
How do you remain unbiased knowing that the end goal of fostering, in the best case scenario, is to re-place that child back into the home with the parents who hurt them to begin with?
How do you handle the heartache of parents who give up their rights with that child?
The pain of loving and sacrificing?
Of giving all you have into a child who refuses to let you into their walled off world?
The pain of bonding with a child you cannot keep?

No matter how you look at it, there will be pain and heartache.

 If a child stays with me, I will mourn that they have lost their parents.
If they move on from my home, I mourn that I lost them from my arms.
Am I willing to live a life full of mourning?
Am I willing to love a child who may never love me back?

Matthew West wrote a song that has been playing in my head for months.
It’s called Forgiveness and the words are powerful.
The chorus is what my heart echos as I ponder these questions.
I must return again to the cross and cry out:

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

Go now and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness.

There are too many children in Foster care. 

There are not enough homes and sadly a lot of the homes available are not loving homes.
For every one success story of a foster kid who made it through,
I have heard many more stories of further abuse.

 What do we do with the children no one seems to want?

I am writing this because I do not have all the answers.

 In fact, the closer I've stepped into following God’s leading the more I see how inadequate I am for the task.
 But my heart cries out...

What if that child was me?!

What if I was that lonely boy in that orphanage, who everyone had given up on?

What if I was that little girl who’s history tells her that no one will ever truly love her?

 My heart tells me to keep loving the unlovable and to keep reaching the unreachable.
To throw my fears and pain at the cross and watch and see what grace can accomplish.
 Because it’s not about you and me.
It's not about what we can or cannot do.

 It’s about love. 

It’s about following where God leads you.
It’s about trusting the God who leads you.

Another blogger wrote:

“God's ability to be good to her in a difficult environment is far greater than any good we could offer her in a comfortable one. No amount of "good" we can give her can compare with the goodness of the sovereignty of God in her life, wherever she may end up living it. There are no guarantees in foster care, except one - God is sovereign in the life of this baby girl. He is good, and He will be good to her always, no matter where she lays her head at night.”

God may not be calling you to take in an orphaned child, but God is calling you to something.
The closer you get to surrendering yourself to what God is asking you, the more you will question your ability do what He asks.
You may question how you’ll handle the pain and hardship that will surely follow the road you walk down. Friend, if you are following Jesus, He guarantees us there will be pain and heartache.

My prayer for you is that you find strength to surrender your plans to God.
There is grace at the foot of the cross.
Step forward knowing there is never a ‘right time'.

The right time is the moment God calls you.

Is He calling you?
Have you reached the point in your struggle with God’s calling that it is actually more painful to keep holding His plans for you are arms distance then it would be to simply fall at His cross and surrender?
We have to take that step of faith and accept the road of suffering in our lives.
There is a freedom that comes when you quit struggling to keep God at bay in your life.

God is relentless.

 He will never quit asking you to trust Him more, and surrender yourself to Him more.

But God is also loving.

 He never calls us to do something that He has not already agreed to equip us for.

Judged With Grace

We Christians love to talk about Jesus. We love that He loves us, we speak of all the nice stories of how Jesus demonstrated His love, healed the sick and down-and-out, and fed the hungry. Even non- Christians really don't have much to say against Jesus. He was a great teacher, a good prophet, a noble character, even if they do not believe this character actually existed. But it seems to me, that we have a big issue with God. Jesus we get, but God? He intimidates us. Last summer I was asked to explain how a Great, Loving God, could do the things that God did in the Old Testament. How do you reconcile a loving God (Jesus), to a God who would wipe out entire nations and smite entire groups of people in one angry breath. How can you trust a God who is constantly threatening to smite you? I could not answer that question, in fact, I had never even tried. I didn't spend a lot of time looking at the God of the old testament, I was pretty happy to just keep looking at Jesus. I didn't answer the question when it was asked of me, but I hid the question away in my heart. Every so often I would look at it, turning it around in my hearts mind, and perplexed- put it back away even more confused then I began. Honestly, I couldn't piece it back together, I couldn't explain and rationalize the anger of God. 

This year, has been a year of questions; a year of asking hard questions and looking deep into why I believe the things that profess to believe. As I began to look deeper into who God is, I actually began to see, more clearly, who I am. You see, on the surface, I knew that I needed a savior. I knew that I was lost without the salvation of God. But I didn't really understand my own fallen nature. Although I professed with my mouth my dependence on God, deep somewhere inside I still was resting in the knowledge that I am a 'good person'. And from the standard of this world, I am. Heck, I could say that I even "beat the odds" I'm successful despite my history! God would never look at me and be able to justify smiting me, I'm a CHRISTIAN. With this mindset, I began to read more and more of the not so nice stories of the Bible. As I read, I put myself in the position of the accused, the wayward Israel. I was particularly struck by the words in Jeremiah. God speaks to Jeremiah and likens Israel to an adulterous woman. I began to see the heart of God, God was not yelling and cursing and smiting nations like an abusive father, or militant dictator. He was pleading with his lover to simply come home to the arms of her groom! We have been called the bride of Christ, this title is not given by Paul out of a convenience, to be used as an analogy to make us feel loved by Jesus. This has been the design for all eternity! When Israel turned their backs on God, they were turning their back on their groom. The 10 commandments were not a legal document created to keep us in God's good graces. They were a marriage covenant between a God and His people. And his people, you and I, we are unfaithful. God doesn't run after naughty nations in order to punish them for disobedience, he runs after them to save them, and restore them back into this relationship! He practically BEGS them to return home to his arms, and return to the marriage covenant, and he will forget that they were ever apart! 

Jeremiah 3: 12-13

Go proclaim these words towards the north and say:

 Return, faithless Israel, 

declares the Lord.

I will not look on you in anger,

    for I am merciful,

declares the Lord;

I will not be angry forever.

13 

Only acknowledge your guilt,

    that you rebelled against the Lord your God

and scattered your favors among foreigners under every green tree,

    and that you have not obeyed my voice,

declares the Lord.

When I began to change my understanding how God was speaking, as a husband to his wayward wife, rather then as a angry dictator to a rebellious nation: the tone of the Old Testament God changed dramatically. In fact my view of Jesus began to change too, as I realized my inability to keep God's covenant, I became even more acutely aware that I needed Jesus. The gift of his sacrifice on the cross becomes sweeter the more I understand my need. The stories of nations who were wiped out by a just God, motivated by preserving his bride, make more and more sense. His destruction of ungodly and wicked nations have less to do with his anger at being disobeyed and more do to with his undeniable passion for saving his bride from the influence and moral destruction of nations who further degrade and ruin her integrity. 

I could go on and bring to mind many more instances of God's great mercy for his people in the Old Testament, of His pleading with her to return, of His rescuing of the few God fearing men and woman who would have otherwise perished in God's justified wrath of their sinful perverted nations... But I would rather leave you with a challenge: What is your view of God. Is he a big, angry dictator watching and waiting to smite you down? Do you feel like you are always dangling on the edge of salvation? Perhaps, like me, you don't know who God is because you've never really looked at Him. Maybe you've spent a lot of time thinking about Jesus, and God just doesn't seem to fit in your mind. Will you do something? Will you hide the question away in your heart? Will you think about it, turn it over in your mind, ask questions, and ask God who he is? 

I would love to hear from you! If you take this challenge and start your search, let me know. If you've gone on this journey and come out on the other side what did you learn about God and about yourself. Leave a note in the comments section below and let your experience be an encouragement to someone else. 

Falling in Love with Grace

February is nearly upon us, stores are filling quickly with paper hearts, chocolates and deep red wine. Valentines is near and love is in the air. I read a blog the other day that made me think and reflect on love, in fact it made me think about love that is bought. This article makes in interesting point and one that had not been new to me, but one that I had a hard time putting into words, that is, until now. The writer of this blog, Dr Ryser, speaks of a class he was teaching to young seminary students, he gives them a brief history of the evolution of Christianity in the places it has traveled, he says this:

It is a short version of the history of Christianity, and it goes like this: Christianity started in Palestine as a fellowship; it moved to Greece and became a philosophy; it moved to Italy and became an institution; it moved to Europe and became a culture; it came to America and became an enterprise.

Some of the students were only 18 or 19 years old--barely out of diapers--and I wanted them to understand and appreciate the import of the last line, so I clarified it by adding, “An enterprise. That’s a business.” After a few moments Martha, the youngest student in the class, raised her hand. I could not imagine what her question might be. I thought the little vignette was self-explanatory, and that I had performed it brilliantly. Nevertheless, I acknowledged Martha’s raised hand, “Yes, Martha.” She asked such a simple question, “A business? But isn’t it supposed to be a body?” I could not envision where this line of questioning was going, and the only response I could think of was, “Yes.” She continued, “But when a body becomes a business, isn’t that a prostitute?”

Dr. Ryser goes on to write: 

I was pondering Martha’s question again one day, and considered the question, “What’s the difference between a lover and a prostitute?” I realized that both do many of the same things, but a lover does what she does because she loves. A prostitute pretends to love, but only as long as you pay. Then I asked the question, “What would happen if God stopped paying me?”

Dr. Ryser, continues in a wonderful post examining this statement and I would encourage you to hop on over to his post and read his complete story, you won't regret it. But I wanted to stop right here, as it was these statements that made me start to think over my life and my relationship to God. 

I grew up in church, I went to every service, was baptized young and worked at numerous ministries within the church and beyond. I attended, worshiped, and served as a born again, Bible loving, Christian- with a capitol 'C'. I could quote bible verses, I knew most of what anybody could profess to know about God. I knew LOTS about God, but I did not know God. There was a disconnect between my head and my heart. The history lessons I memorized and quoted did little to change my life, God was a really great idea, a super story, and a nice addition to my pretty little Christian package, but He was not my lover. In fact, I found that thought to be really....weird. I could see God as a Father, I could view him as a King. Ruler? Check. Powerful? Yup. Almighty? Omnipresent? The True Judge? Yes, got it, a little scary.....yes. God, was to be feared, and my calculated moves within my tidy (from the outside) Christian life were in order to keep God happy and at bay. I gave myself to God, because he paid my only way into heaven. I served God because I had to, not because I loved Him. 

Jesus makes it quite clear how he feels about us, (his people), we are his bride and he is our groom. Oh how His heart must grieve to see his bride fearfully obeying, out of anxiety and shame. It makes my heart sick to think back to how God constantly showered His love over me, for the simple reason of loving me. And, yet, how I responded out of fear, and sullen obedience to appease a judging God. We are God's bride, and our bridegroom (Jesus) will return for us. Until then we are being woo'ed by the God of the universe, in hopes that we will fall in love with Him before the Groom comes to take his bride. So why are we wasting our days serving and pretending to love, in order to pay a debt, or keep God appeased? 

God caught me at my own game one sunny spring morning, back in 2008. As I did my morning devotions, devotions that I had struggled at doing, trying my best to be the "best" Christian I could be, I began to read of Jesus and Peter,  and how Jesus asked Peter 3 times if he loved Him. I felt that same question being asked of me. "Erin, do you love me?" Of course I do, I would think back. And still even stronger, "Erin, do you love me?" Look at all I do for you God! Of course I love you! "Do you love me?" And I began to see that all I do, every good intention, every lesson read and service attended would mean nothing without loving God. "No, I don't know how to love you....." My truthfulness in that moment was the open door that God used to begin to open my eyes to how much He loved me. Like taking off sun glasses, things began to get clearer and clearer and I was daily shown in little and big ways the truth of How God loves me. You see, John tell us the truth. We love God because he first loved us. Over the next few months and even to this day, God has continued to show me his character, and it was getting to know his character that softened my heart to learn to fall in love with God. You see the knowledge of God was only knowledge of what the past says about God, and the past has little power to change today. But when I began to see the character of God, who he is, today. Then, I began to trust Him and His intentions for me.

 That is where faith deepens, that is where life's tough battles can be met with equal amounts of faith and courage! 

My life has not been sunshine and roses. In fact, God made the first move here in showing me His great love so that I could stand the storms that were coming, and let me just say....the storms rocked my whole world out of balance. If you are struggling today, I want to encourage you. Is life hitting you with a fierceness that threatens to overtake you, I understand. Are you standing here with your fist in the air screaming "WHERE ARE YOU GOD!?" I have done the same. Could it be perhaps that God is there, that he is standing just there in front of you with arms wide and dying to show you just how great and mighty His love and power really are? Do you think maybe, he quietly pleading with you to stop repaying a debt you can't pay and just let him love you? 

Valentines Day, a day that we have come to expect...love. Even the greatest act of roses and fine dinning and loving words are somehow dampened by the fact that they are expected. How much greater are grand acts of love when done for the sheer reason of love alone. Without expectation, without strings or for making a good impressions for the neighbors. Don't waste this time in your life going through the motions of love for God, just answer His question honestly and wait and see. I promise you, you will not be disappointed. 

The Greatness of the Game

I've never been much into sports, although I grew up in a family that regularly reminded me that "Football is Life." My father actually had a t-shirt that sported this sentiment. But this year, things have started to change for me. I've kept score, I've followed stats. I've regularly watched the last quarter of many games my home team has played this year. And last night I did something I haven't done in 8 years.... I excitedly watched a NFC Football game and I think I was the loudest one there. Although my Dad might have rivaled me in volume. My heart was in the game! Today, the thrill of a victorious team is still heavy in my mind. Paul often compares the Christian walk to running a race, and I think it's applicable to say that our walk in this Christian life often feels a bit like a fantastic football game. At the first quarter of your walk you feel as though you have all the time in the world, you may fail and goof, but it's early you have plenty of time to recover. But as you mature in your faith, it's becomes the little things that make or break your testimony and your witness. When I get to the end of my life I want to say with courage and conviction that I left it all on the field. But the game of my life, will be filled with a strong and daunting adversary.

 I read a wonderful blog from a dear friend, she talks about David and Goliath. And how the giant taunted the Israelite army for 40 days and how David in the midst of all that was able to stand with supernatural courage in the face of the taunting giant. When my faith was little and my walk not yet matured, my giants didn't have to do much to shake me. I have found that as I grow in faith, my adversary pulls out the big guns, runs the tough plays and shoots daggers that find their place straight to my heart. And often the hit knocks me to the ground and leaves me shaken and dazed. "what just happened?"

So how do you walk out your life in the hard hitting 3rd quarter? Not all of us will be asked to slay giants and lead armies. But if you are a Christian, then you do have a job to be done and as you catch the pass and run the field you better believe you will face a onslaught on opposition running full force at you trying to knock you off your feet.

Although I tried desperately to ignore all the football talk around the table in my home growing up, some things were said enough to penetrate through my girlie exterior. Play smart. How do you play smart in your Christian walk? Know your team. A team without this is doomed to fail. How can you work together if you don't know how the other players work, how they run, how they throw, how the catch. How do you stand up to your opponent if your unsure of the God you run with? There is only one way to know God's playbook. Read it. There's only one way to anticipate how God will move. Experience it. Practice it.

Football season growing up was exhausting, and I didn't even play, but I went to every practice and every game. Some days all we did was practice football, two a day practices and barely any rest. There is no way a team can make it through a game without intensive practice and dedication. Eating, sleeping and breathing the game. And yet, when it comes to our Christian walk we stumble on the field and run fast, but play stupid. We have yet to spend the time we need to cultivate a relationship with our team, and without a team you can't play the game. Like my friend mentions in her blog about David, the reason David could stand in the face of his giant is because he had already experienced a God who rescued him from a bear and a lion, and well when you've walk through all that.... what's a giant going to do to you that a lion wouldn't have done.

I used to run from opposition. After all what do I know? I would never begin to ask God to give me the practice I need to stand up to giants, or linebackers. But what if I can begin to see my opposition as a blessing? What if instead of running off the sideline and stopping the game I trusted my team and ran a Hail Mary to the endzone? Because I know and believe what I have read in the play book: If God is for me who can be against me?

Surrendering at the feet of the Great Healer

I have a problem. Good food. I love to cook, bake, eat and I love to share great food with friends. But sadly, food does not love me. I am allergic to nearly everything. Grains, dairy, yeast, some  fruits, some nuts, eggs....if it's creamy, baked, or delicious then I shouldn't eat it.   But I do eat it. It starts off small, a splash of cream in my coffee, a little cookie here or there. Surely this tiny drop in my nutrition bucket won't make a problem. Only thing is, it does. It makes a big problem. Because before I know what hit me, I've eaten 3 cupcakes and that little splash of cream in my coffee has become a peanut buster parfait from Dairy Queen and now I'm filled with regret and pain.

Life is filled with choices, tiny choices. Tiny choices that make huge differences in our life. 

Sin looks a lot like food allergies. Like food that I'm allergic too, sin is poison to the soul. Although small amounts of poison may not kill you, ingest that poison day after day and see where it leads you, it will lead you to death. My doctor once told me, as I whined about having to say no to what I want to eat, that the food I'm eating is poison to my body. You may think you're not affected by a little bit here and there, but those bits and pieces will catch up with you and in the end. They will kill you. Not quickly, but death is at the end of that road.

Romans 6:1-2

 "What shall we say? Shall we keep on sinning that Grace should abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?"

We who are Christ followers, have died to sin. The moment we surrendered our life to Christ we sacrificed our life in order to live forever in relationship with Christ. We died with Christ, so that we can live with him! (Rom 6) We have a knowledge that the world doesn't understand. We know that choosing sin will kill us, eternally. And yet with that knowledge, having experienced the freedom that came at our moment of salvation with Jesus Christ, we consistently choose to live in sin. At the beginning of my diagnosis, I stuck to the plan, and my symptoms dissipated over time. Saying no to what my flesh desired was the cure to my symptoms. As I got used to my new found symptom free life, I began to forget how trapped I was by my old ailments, and I began to cheat. As we live out our faith, we begin to forget how trapped we were by our sinful life before Christ. We begin to negotiate our sin. A little bit here, a tiny sin there, we know it's wrong but we just WANT to do it our way! Before you know it your old symptoms are creeping back in under the surface. Greed, lust, a stubbornness to be right, you've become less and less content with the way things are and more and more demanding that things start going YOUR way. 

If your reading this and getting uncomfortable, take heart. There is hope, and that hope is the Great Healer. I've struggled with my willingness to give up the foods I love in order to let my body heal. I've whined, I've begged for healing, I've prayed that God would magically take away all my food issues. All the while there God has been asking me to surrender. It's hard to surrender when you're holding tightly to your personal desires. A conversation with my Mom really hit me hard. I was whining about how sick I felt and that my symptoms are returning. I KNEW that I needed to give up sugar and go all out on the diet my doctor had suggested. I knew that if I did, my symptoms would disappear. But I didn't want to. It's TOO hard! I cried to my mom, I don't WANT to give up the foods I like! She understood, but asked me a question. "Erin, do you think that after all God has brought you through and healed in you. Just maybe Satan wants to keep you believing that you can't give up sugar?" I had never thought about God and Satan in the realm of my physical allergies. As many of us tend to do, I compartmentalized my spiritual life and my physical life. But you really can't separate them, they are one. I began to think about that and ask God if there was any truth there. It was clear to see that wherever my flesh is demanding and unyielding, something is happening spiritually as well. So once again, here I am, asking God to do something about these allergies. I'm asking him to let me give them up. 

You probably don't have food issues, but I'd be willing to bet that there is something in your life that you are holding on to with a grip that would challenge the strongest man in the world. Maybe God wants you to just let it go. Maybe, like me, you've forgotten what it was like to be free from the symptoms of your life before Christ. You're a Christian but you've let your life be marked with bits of sin that have began to infest your life. You can't remember the freedom that came when you gave your life to Christ. To you I say, come home. Your Christian walk is work, salvation is free, but living out your faith comes with a great cost. The cost is to give up your stubborn desires and unyielding heart and let God's grace give you the supernatural strength to conquer the desires of your flesh. 

I hope that you are encouraged as well as challenged by what you read here. I pray that as you read this that you would feel God's gentle pleading. Come home. Let it Go. Surrender your physical and spiritual sickness at the feet of the Great Healer. He loves to heal, after all He didn't come to save the found, and heal the well. No, Christ came to save the lost, heal the broken, free the captives! 

If you need prayer, or if you have been encouraged or challenged I'd love to hear from you! Leave me a comment in the comments section, I'd be happy to pray for you. 

Blessings, 

Erin 

With Great Anticipation

December started off busy and exciting in our home, my children woke up the day after Thanksgiving looking forward to the Christmas season. We started the month by planning all the festivities, parties and celebrations that would occur this month- all leading up to the great event of the year, Christmas day! As the month flew by, our days were filled with making decorations, eating yummy treats and thinking and talking about the great Savior that came to set us free from sin. We talked about how the angels sang praises in the fields, about the star that shown so brightly leading shepherds and wise men to come and see and worship the baby Savior and King. We read from the Old Testament of how Emmanuel would come to the earth, about the virgin birth and His lowly entrance into this fallen world that He came to save. All of creation up to this point had waited and watched for this moment in history to come to pass.

About a week prior to Christmas, my daughter came to me and sat in my lap. "Mommy, I don't want Christmas to come....." She whispered to me. "But why not?" I asked in surprise. "Because, then it will all be over...." Such anticipation for one day of excitement. I began to think about that sentiment. I wonder if Mary and Joseph had a moment of let down after the shepherds headed back out to pasture and they were left alone with a baby and no real plan. The Jewish nation waited for so long to see the coming of the Messiah, and although many missed it, those who caught glimpse of the promised one, what did they long for after they saw the Savior??

My life has been marked by waiting for the next big thing, that somehow attaining something new, would make all that had been,worth the time and energy it took to live through it. Perhaps you can relate. Life will be better when.....fill in the blank. I get that other job, we move out of this house, we have a baby, our kids are older, our car is better, my family is closer or farther away..... Why is it that we live out our life never being content with where we are, but always longing for some future event? Could it be, perhaps, that we are created this way, but that our longings are misplaced?

Since the fall of mankind in the garden of Eden, man has longed for a better future.

January 1st comes with great expectations, all around me I see people thinking and planning new years resolutions, promises that are made to be broken it seems, as January 3rd brings to reality the ineffectiveness of our will power. What are you longing for? Perhaps next year brings with it the anticipation of new and glorious adventures! Or perhaps the new year marks the passing of yet another year of struggles, pain and loneliness. Perhaps you have resolutions to get out of debt, or lose that extra weight, or buy that new thing, or stop that bad habit. Making goals is a great thing, but what is it that motivates your goal making. Do you think life will really be happier in a size 6, in a new house, or with a new man? Or maybe underneath all that stuff you really have a longing for something greater, a longing to be a part of something that matters, or to be witness to something spectacular.

Paul and the apostles were anticipating the return of Jesus Christ, and the kingdom of Heaven. They lived their life with one resolution: to welcome their Savior, and to invite as many as they could to the great feast that awaits them. This year, I have no resolutions apart from one:  to walk where God leads me, regardless of where He leads me. I have a great longing to be a part of something great,  I want to be apart of God's redemptive story.

Can I encourage you today? Can I challenge the reasons behind what you long for? If you, like me, find yourself striving towards the future and dreaming of better days ahead, maybe it's a warning sign to stop and think about what your heart truly longs for. Maybe you long for comfort, less bills to pay, or a better lifestyle. Could is be that you really long for the great Comforter? God has promised to give us His supernatural comfort in the midst of worldly discomfort. Maybe you long for better friendships or better marriages, could it be that you long truly for the intimacy of having a friend who knows you better then anyone else? God longs to woo you into a relationship that is so fulfilling that it surpasses anything this worlds friendships have to offer! Perhaps you long to be better, do better, break that bad habit or stop messing up that one thing. Could it be, perhaps, that you truly long for forgiveness and that you desperately desire to shed the guilt and shame you hold on to and that controls the way you live your life. I have hope for you by friend, and his name is Jesus.

I write these things to you because I know them so well. I understand the pain of regret and guilt, I know the pressure of striving to be good enough and the devastation that happens when once again you can't uphold your own promises. That's  the beauty of Jesus, he doesn't desire perfection, or will power, good financial standing or great personal relationship skills. He is the savior, he came to save us....from ourselves.

As you look forward to 2014 with great anticipation, I pray that you find your longings satisfied, and that the great God who sent his son to earth on that glorious day 2000 years ago to save us, would be your greatest desire for the new year.

Blessings my Friends.
Erin

Grace For Christmas

Peppermint candies, fudge, sparkling trinkets and gleaming lights. To say that I love the Christmas season, may be an understatement! December is my favorite month, although we've had more years of want, then years of plenty, we've always managed to make memories and Christmas is always a special time for our family. This year, we gave our still young kids money to spend on gifts for each other, they took their mission as 'mini Santas' very seriously. Through malls, and stores, outlets and markets my children searched and searched for the perfect gifts for their sisters, brother, and daddy. Watching them shop and plan this year has given me such joy and new perspective on Christmas. In the years prior, I had done all the shopping myself, it was faster and easier.

Christmas with kids is a usually busy and exciting time, but sadly it can quickly become all about "what  I can get" and less about the love and joy and remembrance of Christ's coming. Can you celebrate Christmas with trees and gifts and still glorify God in all you give and do? How do the gifts we give reflect Christ? How, as a parent, can we enjoy the mystery and wonder of Christmas while still instilling the true meaning of the season to our kids? These are the things I ponder this year as I watch my kids make lists and talk with Santa, decorate cookies and drink hot cocoa from frosty the snowman mugs.

"Mommy?" a sweet voice breaks through the noise in my head, "I love Christmas!" What joy fills my heart when I see my kids thoroughly enjoying something I love, and I can't help but think how God feels when he sees his kids enjoying what He loves.

As I walked one of my daughters through a crowded mall, weaving in and out of packed isles filled with new toys, I watched her search for that perfect gift for her sister. She would pickup, shake, turn and contemplate each item, and place it back on the shelf. "Nope, this ones to.....shiny." and move 2 feet further down the isle.

 Matthew 7:11

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him."

God gave us a Savior for Christmas. He spent all creation, and time before it, planing and picking just the right way to bless his children. In that moment in the store, I could almost see he him planning it, before creation was even formed, the clay on Adam wasn't even dry yet. But he looked over his creations that he would make and already loved it so! Knowing full well that we wouldn't measure up. Just as I know full well that today will bring children who will not be perfect, they will yell, fight, be stubborn and needy, and yet I love them so, and I eagerly wait for them to open the perfect gifts that were so laboriously picked for them. I, who am so utterly imperfect, sure know how to make the holidays a fun and memorable time for my kids to enjoy. How much more so does my father in heaven, who is perfect and good, give us great gifts.

We tell our children that Christmas is the time when we celebrate Jesus's birthday, it's a party that we throw for him every year. This year my oldest, she's 7, asked me a valid question: "Mom. If Christmas is Jesus's birthday. Then why do WE get gifts?" Her innocent question took me by surprise, should I tell her it's because I like gifts? Or because we are an egocentric, selfish society that is consumed by commercialism.....? Somehow, that didn't fit either. "Well......" I began, praying that I would give a good answer... "You know how, when you go to a birthday party, you sometimes will get a little goodie bag for coming to the party? The gifts we open on Christmas are the party favors for Jesus's birthday." She was satisfied with my answer and bounded away to play. I was not, and I began to think. What gifts do we give God during this time of year that all too often feels so busy? We picked out the perfect things for little Billy and Aunt Betty and the grandparents are getting sweet pictures of the children posed in front of a giant glittering tree..... but what did we bring Jesus? As I pondered, and thought, feeling like my answer wasn't enough, I was reminded of the old song "We bring a sacrifice of praise."

We bring the sacrifice of praise

 Into the house of the Lord 

We bring the sacrifice of praise

 Into the house of the Lord and 

We offer up to you

 The sacrifices of thanksgiving 

 We offer up to you 

The sacrifices of joy

Suddenly I realized that all I do on Christmas, be it the magic of Santa, silly surprises, hot cocoa and cookies, crafts, trees, gifts and carols mean everything or nothing, depending on this: Am I bringing God praises this season? Is my life and gifts, and activity this season marked with the sacrifices of praise to God? Singing Christmas songs isn't enough, they are not a gift that is worthy enough of the king who was born! I want to be like the wise men who traveled years just to bring Jesus three meaningful gifts and to worship at the cradle of the newborn king. Or like Simeon, who waiting his whole life to worship the Messiah and as he held a wiggly tiny Jesus in his old and weathered hands, he worshiped the young king of the Jews.

So this Christmas season, I challenge you to give gifts not out of obligation or festivity,  but out of the grace that God has given YOU the best gift of all. The gift of salvation. And I challenge you to bring your gifts to God this year by being consumed not by parties and festivities and planning and shopping, but let your heart be filled with praises of thanksgiving and joy that you and me, although we will mess up and struggle and learn in this life, God our father loves us greater then we love our own children and is not put off by our childish ways, but finds joy in our process of learning. That, in itself, makes me fill with gratitude and joy that as I imperfectly love my own kids, God's love for me is perfect.

BLESSINGS and JOY and PEACE to you in want or in plenty this year, you have the gift that cannot be bought.

Erin

The Grace of the Martyrs

I wrote a few days ago about the grace of courage, and how God equips us for every work he plans for us to accomplish in this life, and this knowledge is what gives us the grace of courage to stand strong when God asks us walk down a road marked with suffering or pain. Today I want to continue the thought with another secret of the great men and woman of faith who walked before us. 

A Martyr doesn't view their eternity through the eyes of their present suffering,

 But rather, they view their present suffering through the eyes of their eternal worth.

 2 Cor 4: 16-18

 " So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

Do you think the great men and woman of faith ever knew what impact they would have on generations to come? Do you think Paul ever sat in prison thinking about how far his message of the Gospel of Christ would go? There was no way that he could have foreseen that generations and generations of Christians would quote his very words as they sat in their own prison cells for likewise proclaiming God's truths to their own lost generations. I guess I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about influence, thinking about the cost of following Christ. In particular, I've been thinking about how I will respond when, inevitably, I am asked to follow Christ when the cost is myself, my well-being or my family. Yesterday, I spent a bit of time listening to old sermons by John Piper, as I listened to his sermon Called to Suffer and Rejoice: For an Eternal Weight of Glory, I was encouraged in my quest to follow Christ. Paul, in 2nd Corinthians 4, gives us the secret to enduring our Christian life. The secret to fighting the good fight is to be renewed day by day, a renewal that comes from looking at not what we see but what is unseen. This is the secret of the martyr, this is the way that great men and woman of faith can stand in the midst of great suffering and persecution for their faith and be unshaken. They see something that the rest of us, when life is easy, we all to often miss. They are looking at the unseen. Verse 18 tells us how we can live our life giving up every comfort and easy way and strive for the cross of Christ. By looking at what we cannot see. It's doesn't make sense, to look at what we can't see. How can we see it?? It's not VISIBLE! Our life is what is seen! The cancer, is seen. The broken marriage, the sick parent or sick child, my empty bank account..... I can clearly see these things! But Paul says,  all the pain of this life is LIGHT, when compared in weight to the GLORY that awaits us! If anyone has the right to tell us this, it's Paul. Paul, who endured lashings that left his bones exposed. Paul, who spent most of his ministry imprisoned, or shipwrecked, or being run out of town by angry mobs. If anyone has suffered for his ministry, Paul has. And Paul, he knows what he's saying when he tells us this. He's telling us that when we choose to follow Christ, if we are serious in our attempts to live out loud our faith and dependence on Christ, then pain is inevitable. We will be hated. 1 Corinthians 1:18 "The cross is such foolishness to the perishing, but to those who are being saved it is the power of God." The world will not understand us, speak anyways. They will ridicule you, speak anyway. You will be passed over for that job, live your faith anyways. If you share your money with someone who needs it you will have less, give anyways. All the while do not look at your empty bank account, look at the endless funds of your maker. Do not look at the sickness in your body, look at the health you will have for eternity. Do not look at your empty stomachs, your cancer ridden bodies, your painful experiences. Do not be TRICKED by the outward appearance of your need, look to your savior who has already conquered the battle you fight, which is unseen. Your eternal worth is unseen, but it is no less real. In fact, it's even MORE real then what you see around you! What you see and feel around you is counterfeit by comparison to what is unseen. And when you look at what your circumstances are by seeing them through the rose colored glasses of the eternal, they are far less intimidating. This is the secret of the Martyr. A Martyr doesn't view their eternity through the eyes of their present suffering, but rather they view their present suffering through the eyes of their eternity.

As I listened to John Piper discuss these truths, my heart stirred. I was encouraged, and I was also challenged. I am quick to lose hope, I am quick to see my circumstances and cry out "Why me!?" I desperately want to live out my faith, I want to be a 'Paul' for this generation, but I am so easily swayed into despair when the outcome of my steps of faith are met with more harsh circumstances! I am so acutely aware of my humanity, and my frailty. Take heart today if you relate to me here, God is faithful to complete his work that he started with you at your conversion. Living out your faith is a process that takes a lifetime to accomplish! Even the great apostle Paul says in Romans 7:15-20 that he cannot do what he ought to do! But daily God is refining me, and he is refining you. Verse 16 of the text in Corinthians tells us to "not lose heart! though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." Daily, I need God's renewal. Daily, I seek His strength. My conversion was not enough to last me a lifetime of circumstances, I need constant affirmation. And that affirmation comes from God alone. My prayer is that as you read this blog today, you are encouraged and challenged. I pray that you are renewed and affirmed by the God who called you and set you with a high calling and purpose. I pray that you and I begin to learn to look at our circumstances through the lens of our eternal worth, and in doing so are renewed yet again to continue the race and live out loud our faith to our own lost generation. 

Grace and Peace to you.