As I sit here reflecting on my life these days, I'm feeling like that woman driving blindfolded. My back seat driver is my own expectations of myself, and behind me I've left a wake of destructive behaviors and attitudes, disappointments, and anxiety.
How are you feeling this afternoon? Maybe you can relate with me. Maybe you're feeling like the busyness of this life, the expectations you have, or the expectations others have for you-- have blindfolded you. Are you having a hard time seeing the road?
This morning I spent some time thinking about the people in my life who have been vulnerable enough to share their struggles with me, and I thought about my own struggles. The theme of the struggles I've heard, along with the pounding of my own heart, is that no matter how hard I try, I am not enough.
My best efforts, are clumsy and inept at best. My inner script is punctuated with those words of disappointment. It's no wonder that I struggle with anxiety and worry.
I know that I am not alone in this, in fact, I'd venture to say that this is not a Erin problem, or a feminine problem. No, this is a human problem. It doesn't discriminate against age, sex, religion, social status or anything else. We do not measure up.
Even Paul, who many Christians argue to be one of the most zealous Christians in Church history, knows this struggle.
Paul writes in Romans 7: 14-21 that even though he longs and strives to do what is good, he still does what he doesn't want to do. There is a inner war being waged in your soul. The war between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. How do I win the war?
In my life, I tend to spend a lot of time focusing on all I did wrong. I replay my failures and shortcomings, over and over again. I think of all the ways I should have done something, all the ways I have not lived up. All that seems to do is spin me into a place of desperate hopelessness.
But what if I stopped looking at myself and start looking at the God who has already won the war.
This week, I've been reading of weakness. Specifically, how as a Christian I can have hope. Regardless of all the ways I fail, my failures show me something greater then all the success in the world.....
I am loved by the God who is great. That love is not dependent on my abilies to earn it, or keep it.
God is sovergn and His plan for humanity is not dependant on my ability to be anything other than me.
This is Grace.
This the Power of God in me.
This gives me the hope to keep going. It gives me the supernatural ability to choose to do what is good over whatever it is that I want for me.
This takes off the blindfold.
It gives me eyes to see the road ahead over all the voices in mind telling me otherwise.
Do you want to see the road? Do you wish you knew where you are headed? Start by looking into the Grace God has for you.
Grace to fail, fall and flounder.
Grace to stand up and keep going.
Erin
