Driving Blind

I watched a movie once where a woman was driving a car blindfolded. Her fiancé was in the back seat directing her through busy traffic, needless to say the scene didn't end well. By the end of the scene the man and his bride were angry with each other and there was a wake of destruction behind them.

As I sit here reflecting on my life these days, I'm feeling like that woman driving blindfolded. My back seat driver is my own expectations of myself, and behind me I've left a wake of destructive behaviors and attitudes, disappointments, and anxiety.

How are you feeling this afternoon? Maybe you can relate with me. Maybe you're feeling like the busyness of this life, the expectations you have, or the expectations others have for you-- have blindfolded you. Are you having a hard time seeing the road?

This morning I spent some time thinking about the people in my life who have been vulnerable enough to share their struggles with me, and I thought about my own struggles. The theme of the struggles I've heard, along with the pounding of my own heart,  is that no matter how hard I try, I am not enough.

My best efforts, are clumsy and inept at best. My inner script is punctuated with those words of disappointment. It's no wonder that I struggle with anxiety and worry.

I know that I am not alone in this, in fact, I'd venture to say that this is not a Erin problem, or a feminine problem. No, this is a human problem. It doesn't discriminate against age, sex, religion, social status or anything else. We do not measure up.

Even Paul, who many Christians argue to be one of the most zealous Christians in Church history, knows this struggle.

Paul writes in Romans 7: 14-21 that even though he longs and strives to do what is good, he still does what he doesn't want to do. There is a inner war being waged in your soul. The war between doing what is right and doing what is wrong. How do I win the war?

In my life, I tend to spend a lot of time focusing on all I did wrong. I replay my failures and shortcomings, over and over again. I think of all the ways I should have done something, all the ways I have not lived up. All that seems to do is spin me into a place of desperate hopelessness.

But what if I stopped looking at myself and start looking at the God who has already won the war.

This week, I've been reading of weakness. Specifically, how as a Christian I can have hope. Regardless of all the ways I fail, my failures show me something greater then all the success in the world.....

 I am loved by the God who is great. That love is not dependent on my abilies to earn it, or keep it.

God is sovergn and His plan for humanity is not dependant on my ability to be anything other than me.

This is Grace.

This the Power of God in me.

This gives me the hope to keep going. It gives me the supernatural ability to choose to do what is good over whatever it is that I want for me.

This takes off the blindfold.

It gives me eyes to see the road ahead over all the voices in mind telling me otherwise.

Do you want to see the road? Do you wish you knew where you are headed? Start by looking into the Grace God has for you.

Grace to fail, fall and flounder.

Grace to stand up and keep going.




Erin

Seasoned With Salt

Photo credit: out of bounds salt water reef tanks
When I was about 13, I went swimming at a local salt water canal with a neighbor friend. We took turns diving off the floating dock into the salty cool water.

On my last dive, I wanted to go as deep as I could. I jetted into the water, as straight as I could and propelled deeper and deeper into the salty blue abyss.

My elation soon turned to panic as my lungs ached for air and I realized that I was indeed, deep. In my panic, I kicked my feet hard to flip my body back towards the surface of the water. In doing so, I cut my foot deeply on the barnacle and rock covered sea bed.

 I lifted my self up onto  the dock to survey the damage to my foot. I knew that in order to get back to the house, I would have to get back into the salty water...and I knew that it would hurt. Suddenly I understood the figure of speech of "rubbing salt in someones wound".

Salt hurts, but salt heals. 

As a mom to 4 very rambunctious and thrill seeking kiddos, I have often had to clean up an endless number of scrapes, skinned knees and various boo boo's. The worst part of healing is cleaning the wound, but if you don't clean it, then it will never heal. Instead it will fester and plague you.

Oh you may heal on the outside, leaving a small understated scar, but the infection is not far off. It's sitting dormant just under the surface.

This has been my experience and since you're human too- I'm guessing it's been yours too. Life is full of wounds, from minor to deep. You and I have been wounded.

God administers the salt. 

There comes a point in your life when you have to look at your position trapped on the dock, and choose to get back in the salty water.

I don't preach this from a perspective of someone who has lived an easy carefree life, I speak it as a wounded, battle scared, woman who chose to run away from God and hide my wounds.

Let me tell you the truth my dear friends, do not hide your wounds!

I had spent many years trying my best to be strong enough, brave enough, tough enough and spiritual enough to self medicate my personal wounds. All that effort was simply covering my spiritual leprosy with makeup.

 If you were far enough away from me, then I could pass the test. But come close enough and my wounds became clear. I needed healing.

 It started as a simple cry to God, "Lord, I know dealing with this is going to hurt, but it can't be more painful then living like this." Slowly, and somewhat painfully, God began to wash my hurt. I'm not going to lie, it hurt. It came with a cost.

It was worth the pain.

The process is never ending, as long as I live I will be in constant needing of a good healthy dose of healing. Not just because I am in need of healing from wounds inflicted upon me.

It's the wounds I cause to myself.

 It's my poor attitude, my faulty choices, my inadequate relationships skills. I am a broken person, I am not seasoned to perfection. And until the day I meet my savior, I am in constant need of salt.

Where are you lacking salt?

Where are you wounded?

Maybe you've carried your hurts around like a badge, telling the world how you've been wronged.

Maybe you've tried desperately to hid them all away where no one can see them.

Or maybe your walking around your life hurting others with your actions, words, and attitudes.

 Let's stop. 

Let's take our pain to the person who's willing, ready and able to heal our pain and set us free from our wounds. 

Where Do You Go From Here?

Lord, what would you have me say? I've been struggling lately, I feel like I'm not sure what to say. All around me people are hurting, struggling, dying. Every time I turn around another friend is watching a loved one fight for their life. The world feels awfully heavy. How do you respond in the midst of all this?  These are the questions I ponder today as I sit at my computer and reflect. As I think about all this I am reminded of a verse.

2nd Corinthians 4:7

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 

We have a treasure in a jar of clay. And that treasure shows the all-surpassing power of God. The power that is so strong, powerful and un-containable that there is no mistake to all who see it, they will know that it is a power from God alone. It is this power at work inside us that, although we are being pressed from every angle, we are not crushed. Although we do not see what God is doing, we are not in despair. Although we feel the odds are stacked against us, we know we are not abandoned. Although the blows of this life throw us down we are not destroyed. But what is that treasure? What could possibly give me that kind of power? And do I truly understand the implications of what this verse is saying? If we back up a few verses we will see that this verse is speaking of the Gospel of Christ. Verse 6 tells us  "For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake." As we walk our Christian life, we will have hardships. If we are speaking the Gospel, then we will have persecution. But we have this knowledge that our life is not about us, our success in life is  not dependent on our stature in society. A successful life is not one marked with worldly treasures, it's doesn't often shimmer with gold and diamonds. No, we as Christ followers know that our reward is not here on this earth and it's not here in this life. Over and over again in scripture God speaks about how hard it is for those who have much to follow Christ. 

Mark 10:23-31

  Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God!” 24 This amazed them. But Jesus said again, “Dear children, it is very hard to enter the Kingdom of God. 25 In fact, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”

26 The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked.

27 Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.”

28 Then Peter began to speak up. “We've given up everything to follow you,” he said.

29 “Yes,” Jesus replied, “and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, 30 will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life. 31 But many who are the greatest now will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be the greatest then.

Now if your like me, when you read these verses you struggle with them. Maybe you skip over them, "Lord!" you may say, "I want to follow you, but I am afraid to live like that! How will I feed my family, how will I pay my bills? Don't those things matter too? How can I live like that? Give up my family? My children Lord?" Ah, but that is the beauty of the jars of clay. Jars of clay are common, they are plain and no one sees great value in them. But God says, I have greatness for you! Look at what Paul says after he calls you a plain jar. 

2 Corinthians 4:13-18

But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” 14 We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15 All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

We can take comfort and find strength in the fact that we know that there is a higher purpose. Greater then that, is this: We display the Glory of God when we suffer. The world sees our lowly state, and they see that we've suffered greatly and yet we have this all-surpassing power! A power that is so deep and strong, that you cannot see it without seeing the the Greatness of God! What can I say when I see the suffering that is going on all around me? When I hug the friend who is losing her mother, child or spouse? I can hold them in my arms and suffer with them, and I can stand back and watch as the power of Christ is displayed in them! And as I go through my own suffering, I am reminded that my reward is not here on earth. I would never want my glory to shine in place  of God, for He alone should be glorified. The cry of my heart, and the purpose of my life as a Christ follower, is to see Christ be made much of. I know that it will mean that I will suffer great loss in this life, I will rest in the knowledge that my God will never leave me, and that God has promised that I will not be destroyed, though physically my body may be destroyed, my life and it's worth is eternal. For my glory will be found in the Glory of God that will live on forever. 

Are you suffering? Is God challenging you to give up something in order to follow and live out the calling God has in your life? God has asked us all to do one thing, to go and make disciples. If you are being challenged in your heart right now, I would like to encourage you. Our God is faithful. He will never ask you to suffer alone. Press into God right now and allow Him to change you and rest in His power. You are not alone.   

A Place Called Surrender

I got to sit and drink coffee with a dear friend today, we get together every so often and talk and she is one of those special people who is just so authentic. We got to talking about one of the very first times we had ever hung out. We remembered so vividly how we had both just recently had a baby (she had her first, and I had just had twins. My 2nd and 3rd children, respectively) we were STRUGGLING! We both battled  postpartum depression and were severely sleep deprived. I remember sitting next to each other crying about how tired and overwhelmed with motherhood we both were. I think our husbands stood in the dinning room lamenting what to do with their clearly insane wives. As we looked back and laughed about those days, we were also reminded at how good God is. I couldn't imagine being who I am today, at the point where I was then,  sobbing on the couch in the arms of another mom who felt the same way. I couldn't see past my storm and see the power that pushed my storm away, all I could see was my now. And my now said, I couldn't do it. But God has the strength to move our mountains, he has the power to calm our storms. God is the power that says, "It's okay, you don't have to do this alone." God always seems to bring me to this place, it's a place called surrender. Every trial  I've ever faced brings me down a long, often painful and confusing road to a place called surrender. The journey there is marked by effort. I start out so strong, sure and confidant. But as I continue on I'm hit from every side with opposition, and I have to throw more and more effort into the journey. Sometimes, my kids are my opposition, most of the time it's my own shortcomings that keep stalling me. As my journey moves on, I become keenly aware that I have bit off more then I can chew. Before I know it, I can't remember why I choose this road to begin with, or rather, why this road was chosen for me. But something beautiful happens at Surrender, that is the place where we say. "I can't do this!" Admitting failure is the beginning of strength.

  2 Corinthians 12:9 says "9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

God doesn't delight in our weakness, but he does delight in making weakness great. God loves to give power to the weak, he delights in rescuing his children! When I finally surrender, it is no longer my effort that leads the way, but my God begins to lead and where God leads he always clears the path. Is the road finally easy? Far, far, from it. But at the point of surrender I find that I finally know where my journey leads. When God leads, the destination is always the same, it leads me closer to being like Christ. 

Are you in a place that is hard, are you waking each day and STRIVING to push forward against what feels like a brick wall. Perhaps this is your place of Surrender. Maybe it's time to let God lead, and rest in the power that He has to do what needs to be done.....